Family Help Guide Menu

Family Well-Being

Family Help Guide Menu

Family
Well-Being

“One of the great problems my wife and I deal with is, ‘How do we love and accept our child exactly as he is, while wanting him to be different?’ We’ve learned to support each other and not let his issues dominate our life.”

— Steve

Caring for a child with mental illness presents enormous stresses and challenges for parents and caregivers. Everyone in the family is affected. Parents may feel guilty, angry, or burned out, or miss work because of challenges at home. Marriages and partnership bonds can be strained. Siblings can suffer trauma, and the whole family may live in an atmosphere of extended crisis and even physical violence.

Often, the family becomes isolated because behavior is unpredictable, friends are no longer invited to visit, and outings require calculations for a quick exit. A vast majority of parental time and resources are devoted to the ill child or youth and, as a result, other family members get less care and attention. In such an exhausting and emotionally overwhelming environment, it’s easy to lose sight of what “normal” means.

Parents can tend to family well-being with protective strategies. Surround yourself with others who are accepting and who see your child’s strengths. Do your best, but forgive yourself when things don’t go well. Accept that there will be good days and bad days, and that some things are out of your control.

Tips to nurture marriages, partnerships, and families:

  • Use respite and other sustaining services if available
  • Make a conscious decision and effort to care for your partnership; support each other and express appreciation and respect
  • Engage in “solution thinking.” Instead of focusing on what is wrong, work toward what you want to happen.
  • Seek balance in life, so that one child’s issues don’t dominate
  • Recognize patterns of actions and reactions that lead to conflict, and try to avoid responses that trigger an unhealthy cycle
  • If one parent or partner is burned out, step in to offer a break
  • Make time with your partner to do things you enjoy

Tips to nurture marriages, partnerships, and families:

  • Use respite and other sustaining services if available
  • Make a conscious decision and effort to care for your partnership; support each other and express appreciation and respect
  • Engage in “solution thinking.” Instead of focusing on what is wrong, work toward what you want to happen.
  • Seek balance in life, so that one child’s issues don’t dominate
  • Recognize patterns of actions and reactions that lead to conflict, and try to avoid responses that trigger an unhealthy cycle
  • If one parent or partner is burned out, step in to offer a break
  • Make time with your partner to do things you enjoy

Siblings are affected in ways that can vary with their age and developmental level, whether they feel physically safe, and their own internal resources. Siblings may feel anger toward the ill child, and may resent the fact that they cannot bring friends home or enjoy a family outing. They may be afraid of showing negative emotions because they fear losing control like their ill brother or sister, or they may imitate the behavior of the ill child. Siblings may be jealous of the attention the ill child receives, or mourn the family they wish for.

On the surface, brothers and sisters may appear highly functional. Often, they hide their own struggles in order to lessen the burden on parents. When their pain emerges, it can be a shock. Short-term survival mechanisms, like repressing anger and refusing to talk about problems, can be negative in the long run. An experienced therapist can help siblings accept their feelings and learn healthy coping skills.

Tips to nurture siblings:

  • Don’t allow siblings to take responsibility for the ill child or for parents
  • Let siblings know it is ok to feel angry, jealous, or sad
  • Watch for signs that siblings are in distress, but realize their problems may be hidden
  • Be available to talk with siblings and to answer questions honestly and in developmentally-appropriate ways
  • Encourage therapy as a way to gain coping skills and express feelings
  • Set aside one-on-one time with siblings to share an activity they enjoy
  • Seek other supports, including sibling support groups

Tips to nurture siblings:

  • Don’t allow siblings to take responsibility for the ill child or for parents
  • Let siblings know it is ok to feel angry, jealous, or sad
  • Watch for signs that siblings are in distress, but realize their problems may be hidden
  • Be available to talk with siblings and to answer questions honestly and in developmentally-appropriate ways
  • Encourage therapy as a way to gain coping skills and express feelings
  • Set aside one-on-one time with siblings to share an activity they enjoy
  • Seek other supports, including sibling support groups

SELF CARE

“I give myself a time-out to do something I enjoy. You need a mental break.”

— Christine

Self-care is essential for parents and caregivers because they shoulder great stress over long periods of time. It’s hard to care for everyone else when you’re physically and emotionally depleted. Studies show that parents of children with emotional disabilities commonly experience anxiety and depression.  Daily Stress Busters offer strategies for relaxation and better health.

Daily Stress Busters

Stress reduction strategies include:

  • Exercise daily – ideally 30 minutes or more
  • Practice meditation or meditative exercise such as yoga, tai chi, etc.
  • Spend time with friends and family who provide encouragement and support
  • Eat healthy meals
  • Journal about what you are grateful for
  • Set goals and move toward them
  • Develop compassion toward yourself and others; focus on strengths
  • Spend time in nature
  • Do things you enjoy
  • Faith or spiritual practice
  • Laugh

Stress reduction strategies include:

  • Exercise daily – ideally 30 minutes or more
  • Practice meditation or meditative exercise such as yoga, tai chi, etc.
  • Spend time with friends and family who provide encouragement and support
  • Eat healthy meals
  • Journal about what you are grateful for
  • Set goals and move toward them
  • Develop compassion toward yourself and others; focus on strengths
  • Spend time in nature
  • Do things you enjoy
  • Faith or spiritual practice
  • Laugh

Meditation is a contemplative practice that can benefit parents, children and youths. A 2014 Harvard University study showed that meditation is a powerful tool that can change the physiology of a person’s brain, increasing mass in the parts of the brain that process emotion and perception, thereby reducing depression and anxiety.  Mindfulness Meditation is the non-judgmental awareness of the present moment, and can be practiced as part of daily activities, as well as by a practice of meditation. 

The University of California Los Angeles’ Mindful Awareness Research Center offers free Guided Meditations

Mindfulness Awareness Research Center

Calm.com, a relaxation therapy website, offers free 2-minute to 25-minute guided meditations, including downloadable applications.

Calm.com

Support Groups

“I have no family or support. It’s just me and my two children, and they have a lot of problems. My support group is my family”

— Marcia

Support groups can be lifelines for parents and caregivers, children and youths. These groups help parents and other family members connect with others who have similar problems. Groups meet at regular intervals to share resources, to learn from others’ experiences, and to offer understanding. Support groups promise confidentiality, reduce isolation, and nurture hope and advocacy.

Support groups can be peer-led or led by a facilitator with specialized training, such as a social worker or counselor. In peer support groups, a facilitator may be designated, but members have equal status. Groups can be open to new members or closed; they can offer open discussion, focus on specific topics, host speakers, or some combination.

FRED Parent Support group is a free and independent support group meeting in the Near Western suburbs of Chicago since 2007. FRED is led by trained parent volunteers who form the FRED Leadership Team, and offers in-person and online resources.

During the Covid-19 pandemic, FRED meets twice a month via Zoom. FRED primarily serves Oak Park and River Forest and neighboring communities, but is open to every parent and caregiver.

You also may be able to find support groups through a state or local chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI); a community mental health center or private clinical practice; a behavioral health hospital; a school special education parent group; or a faith community. Online parent support groups also are available through The Balanced Mind Parent Network.

Balanced Mind Parent Network

Support groups for siblings may be offered by local mental health professionals in your community, or parents can approach a clinician to start a sibling group. SibShops is a curriculum-based program for siblings of individuals with health, developmental, or mental health disabilities, led by trained facilitators. In Oak Park and River Forest, SibShops is offered in partnership between Thrive Counseling Center and the River Forest Township. For more information, contact Thrive at 708-383-7500.

Sibshops also meet at schools, hospitals and other sites nationwide. More information is available at their website.

SibShops

Parents can also start an adult support group. Gather a nucleus of parents who wish to create a peer community, and secure a meeting place—someone’s home, a library or community meeting room, or other comfortable space. Set a regular day and meeting time, and stick to start and end times. The group can be publicized through local newspapers, faith communities, schools, or by word of mouth.

Groups typically agree upon guidelines such as: confidentiality, mutual respect, sharing time so others can speak, and discussing present, not past, problems. Each group can set its own rules and priorities.

A well-functioning support group:

  • Has a knowledgeable facilitator skilled in communication and collaboration
  • Involves as many members as possible in group discussions
  • Encourages group members to self-enforce group guidelines
  • Allows group members to feel that they have contributed something of value to others in the group
  • Provides strategies to overcome or prevent negativity and hopelessness
  • Connects members to useful services and resources
  • Makes members feel they have benefited from attending the meeting

A well-functioning support group:

  • Has a knowledgeable facilitator skilled in communication and collaboration
  • Involves as many members as possible in group discussions
  • Encourages group members to self-enforce group guidelines
  • Allows group members to feel that they have contributed something of value to others in the group
  • Provides strategies to overcome or prevent negativity and hopelessness
  • Connects members to useful services and resources
  • Makes members feel they have benefited from attending the meeting

Membership in support groups is confidential, although some groups offer directories with contact information so that members can contact each other in between meetings.